Free...and Loving Well!

I'm in Pensacola at the Teacher Clinic that my school goes to every year. We came down on Friday and began a Bible Study called "Loving Well" by Beth Moore. I have never done a study by Beth Moore, and I am quickly becoming a huge fan. The first session on Friday night left me in tears. There was so much hurt, that mainly dealt with the situation I described in the post before and though I thought that my blogging had helped me eradicate it from my system, I was so wrong. I was still holding on to it. I had missed out on one of the most important parts of this journey, and therefore I was still harboring my anger. But after the first session, God revealed my anger, and hurt to me in a different manner. He made me realize that it was MY PROBLEM not the offenders issue to work through! WOW! I hated it. I argued with God. I was angry again because I knew God was right, however, I still didn't want to deal with it. I shared my conviction and hurt with some of the ladies on the trip with me, and when they supported me and offered me prayer for restoration, I actually resisted it! I didn't want it! I WANTED to be mad! I wanted to wallow in my little pit of self absorbed hurt. But praise be to God that it worked. Praise be to God for the fact that I am blessed to have such lovely, Godly women in my life that will speak His truth and do it lovingly when I am in the midst of a pity party.
That night, I gained insight. I learned a little bit more about my "foe" and realized that what had happened to me, was more about a coping skill of my former friend...the "leave them before they hurt or leave you" thinking. I learned about past hurts, and losses of my friend. And for the first time in months, I began to see her as a human again. I began to feel compassion for her. My heart broke for her heartache.
And then, God spoke it to me....PRAY FOR HER.
That's what had been missing all along. I had not prayed for my friend...and that is exactly what I am called to do as a believer in Christ! Matthew 5:44 says "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." So, with that conviction, it was time for ME to do some business with the Lord. I had to stop and admit all of my feelings about this person and ask my God to heal my heart and my hatred. I had to take it all to Christ and literally lay it down. I prayed and told God everything that I wanted to say to my friend....everything I felt, I said it to God as if I were speaking to her...and when I got it out, and layed it down only THEN was I free enough to pray for her. Only then, did my compassion and love for her win out over the hurt. Only then was I able to release it all. I had been repeatedly denying my forgiveness to be given to my foe, and at that point, I was allowing my heart to be raped over and over again by the hatred I was choosing to harbor. But not anymore. I am free. I am free of the anger. I layed it all down to God, I prayed for my foe, and I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted off of my heart! I'm not sure that I understood that there was a weight because of my denials.
As Beth Moore pointed out to me in this Bible study, "When we ask God to give us insight into people we could have a compassion and a love for them we didn't think was possible!"
Absolutely! Truth!
Restoration of people is always the will of God.
Sometimes reconciliation is not.
I may never be reconciled to my friend...but she is no longer my foe, and if I see her, it will all be alright again. Because I'm restored with the perfect love of God.