One who will NEVER let you down...

Have you ever been let down by someone you hold dear? Have you ever been deeply cut, or hurt by a person that you trusted not to do that? I'm willing to bet that at some point or another, we all have. It's bound to happen to us all. During the course of this year, I was deeply hurt by someone that I considered to be a dear friend, someone that was very special to me. When I first realized what had happened, I remember sitting down and crying in disbelief. It hurt. It stung. It was unreal. And I think the part that made it worse for me is, the person didn't seem to care that I was hurt by them. I did what the Word of God commands us to do when we have anger in our hearts toward another person. Matthew 5:21-26 (ESV) says, "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be liable to judgement.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgement;whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny."

I actually did go to my friend, and speak to them about my hurt. I explained to them how I was hurt and caught off guard, and even though I am typically very vocal about my feelings, it was actually quite hard to talk to them about it. And the worst part is, while I was telling this person about how they'd let me down, I felt patronized. I was patted on the back and told "Oh, don't be mad". No explanation on their part. No apology for me in any form. If I thought for one instant that something I had said, or done in any form had hurt someone, I would apologize to them for their hurt, EVEN if I felt justified in my words or actions. For me, to think that I have been the cause of tears, and heartache for anyone is painful to me, yet when it came to my "friend" it didn't seem to matter. In a way, I think that cut me even deeper. Our friendship became so scarred, that I fear it will never be the same. I know I've done the right thing by going to my friend and sharing my grievances, but I have also done wrong every since that day by holding a grudge and continuing to be angry. I know it is wrong, and as many times as I have told myself that "I'm only human" in an effort to justify my anger, it is still sin. And the one who hurt me is "only human" too...mistakes and bad choices happen, even if they are right or wrong. I have to let go, and LET GOD in this situation. I am still working on forgiveness, and though it's been a hard road, I'm getting there. I am taking steps toward it every day...and even though some days I take a few steps backward I know on some level I am still healing. I know my Savior forgives all sins, and I am trying to forgive the one who wronged me. I am not justified in my anger, and I do not have the right to withhold that forgiveness...even when the offender hasn't asked for it. I must freely give. Anger is a form of hate, and hate does nothing to build one up....it only destroys the hater's heart, and witness. While I am not willing to let that happen, I am still struggling with forgiving. To not be able to do so freely is really a very foreign thing to me, because I do not usually hold grudges...I generally get over anger fairly quickly. I do not like to be angry. I do not like to harbor anger in any form...but this....this has been an uphill battle. But I'm almost to the top of that hill...it's coming.

The good thing that came from all of this is that I have connected with others who have been there. I have made new relationships, and deepened other friendships through the experience of this hardship. The Glory of God is being revealed when He is made strong in our weakness. God has unified me with other believers and made our purpose in each others lives stronger and deeper. We have become accountable to each other in our healing, and in our spiritual walk. I praise the Lord for my relationship with these believers, because they love me, they challenge me, and they encourage me in ways that I am not sure would have happened if this hardship had not come upon us.

Thank you Jesus for my new friendships, my deepened relationships, and even for the friend who hurt me. Thank you for teaching me throughout all of this, and Thank you for being slow to anger and abounding in your steadfast love! (Numbers 14:18). Thank you for forgiveness. Amen